Transformers

REPRINTED FROM MONDOMAGAZINE.NET: Even the smelliest piece of crap must have positive attributes, right? Yes. In Transformers, they are the musical score by Steve Jablonsky, some good performances, and fantastic special effects.

The story? Sam (it-boy Shia LaBoeuf) buys a car to impress an object, er, a girl. The car is an Autobot. More Autobots arrive. Comedy ensues. Decepticons make an appearance; final battle occurs.

Essentially, there s an action scene that s sort of fun, and ninety minutes of stupid comedy. Sam s car trying to help him get laid? Hilarious! An Autobot calling Sam and his girl little b*tches? You ll bust a gut! An Autobot urinating on a government agent? Blew my hair sideways, it was so funny!

Director Michael Bay s sense of humour is below sitcom level. Yet sadly, he forces contrived humour into every scene; where it seldom belongs. It s also usually illogical. When the Autobots hide outside Sam s house to evade his parents, you won t laugh. Instead, you ll realize all they had to do was move farther back down the street, in disguise and appropriately distanced from each other. What worsens things is that Bay will stop the story progression with these scenes that only a three-year old would ingenuously find amusing.

But what of the action scenes? What of the final battle? Much screen time is devoted to establishing the Autobots. It s boring, but at least they become distinguishable. However, the Decepticons are in their disguises for most of the movie. The final battle is underway when their true selves are revealed. This gives the action a weightless feel, since each Decepticon isn t established properly. The best action films have antagonists set up early on with a certain quirk or skill, something that would give them the upper hand against the hero. When the protagonist manages to overcome the villain despite being outmatched, it s satisfying since we were curious as to how that could be accomplished. By short-changing the Decepticons, there s no suspense or drama when they end up fighting the Autobots. Both groups seem equally matched as far as we can tell. If they aren t, Bay never clarifies.

I giggled frequently at Bay s attempts at being artsy (tilting the camera needlessly, employing ridiculous close-ups of the actors, strange slow motion, and Saw-like flash edits, etc.). But I wasn t too amused at how I frequently had to squint to prevent blindness. Someone set the contrast on this puppy far too high. The colour palette looks a lot like vomit: all of fluorescent blues and greens mixed inappropriately. Even scenes in daylight are bothersome. Shadows are usually deep and sunlight shines blooming white on actors and objects. And the editing? Let s just say I haven t seen this many continuity errors since Titanic.

Ideologically, Transformers is a nightmare. Typical of a Bay film, women are only given the opportunity to be hot and/or b*tchy. Whenever a woman is in a position of power, Bay makes sure she isn t too threatening to the men. Either those women will be dropped from the story all together, given almost nothing to do, or they ll be smokin hot! And in terms of racism, there s the following: Autobot Jazz is portrayed as a stereotypical black guy. He flashes gang signs and busts out in hip hop moves. He s also the most incompetent Autobot in battle, and the only Autobot who kicks the can. His eulogy lasts about five seconds. But he s just a robot, right? Yeah, and Jar Jar Binks was speaking Gunganese, not Jamaican.

You may cry out that this is just entertainment. No. Film is an art form, a communicator of ideologies and ideas to the masses, not a simple commercial product. If you truly believe that it is, I suppose you deserve to watch a movie that perfectly matches your IQ.