Swords, Sorcery, and Sexiness! THE BEAST MASTER

The Beast Master (1982) Directed by Don Coscarelli Loosely based on the Novel by Andre Norton.

Dar: I've never seen a... pilgrim... who could use a staff the way you did.
Seth: Ah, but sir; all pilgrims share a deep love of life; especially their own!

This is a horribly bad movie.  It is also an enduring favorite.  Why can something so cheesily bad be so very good?

Maax, (Rip Torn) high priest of Ar, hears a prophecy that he is doomed to die by the hand of the unborn son of King Zed (Rod Loomis.)  Maax, with the help of his coven of witches, steal the baby from the queen's belly by magic, and place it in a cow.  There, they take it for sacrifice, but are thwarted by a passing hunter, (Ben Hunter).  He raises the baby as his own, and names him Dar (Marc Singer).

Dar grows up FINE.  But he is knocked out when the Jund Hordes wipe out his village.  His mortally wounded dog drags him to safety.

Dar swears revenge, and calling upon the powers within him, (a gift from Momma the Bull?) telepathically bonds with an eagle, Ska, two ferrets, Codo and Podo, and a black tiger, Wu.

He travels across the land wearing a leather kilt and 4% body fat, hooking up with Seth (John Amos) and his ward Tal (Joshua Milrad).  He also encounters the lovely temple slave Kiri (Tanya Roberts) and together, they fight Maax, his temple of insane followers, his coven of witchwomen, mystical berserkers, and the entirety of the Jund Horde.

Why is a movie so rife with bad sets, poor dialogue, and laughable special effects so popular?

Well, it bombed at the box office, but it is one of the single most popular movies on cable TV.  It has all the ingredients for a fun sword and sorcery movie.  First, it has Swords.  It also has bows, axes, morning stars and the really cool throwing weapons from the episode of Star Trek with Julie Newmar.  And it has sorcery.  The witchwomen succeed because they follow two rules of S&S; the villains are hideous, but you never pass up the chance for cleavage.  Dar's power to speak to animals is cool, nonthreatening, and something we all wished we had as kids.

And it has the single most important element of Swords and Sorcery; flesh!  Tanya Roberts is naked in all her glory for one of the most rewound bathing scenes ever, and Dar is smoking hot, ¾ naked through the whole movie, and has a stomach you could do laundry on.  Even John Amos is an impressive specimen.

Sex and violence; this movie delivers.  And it has some passable special effects.  The Winged Men were a great touch because they were totally unknown; no mythological president, no explanation.

Cheesy, over the top, with performances with more ham than Miss Piggy, it is still great.  The actors had a great time.  They sold it.  And we bought it.  Repeatedly.

Like Dar, this review is Lean-N-Mean at 500 words exactly.